I wonder if I will always

....have television as my source of comfort.

Will I always need to have the television on? I think it's really sad that I watch so much T.V.

Oh well. I'm just one of those.

I wonder how much of the world will I see?

How much of the world won't I see?

I'm envious, completely envious, of my friends who are studying abroad and how much they've seen and experienced. All my life, ever since I could breathe, I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to go to Europe. My AP World History (which was really a Western Civilization class/European History) will always be memorable to me because it's one of the few classes that I actually enjoyed. I loved learning about King Henry XIII, The Palace of Versailles, or even Joan of Arc. Even if I didn't understand Candide, I can't forget Voltaire and the summer I spent with him.

So as I go through my friends' pictures, I so wish I could be with them to see the museums, eat the food, finally go to the cities and towns I've read about in novels and textbooks. Immerse myself in the various cultures. Be surrounded by buildings and structures older than America. Step into a world with such a rich long history.

One day, I'll just go. But I feel like I won't see as much as I will want to because of what would be my responsibilities at home. Or maybe I'm just making excuses?

I just want to see everything. Even for someone with all the time and money in the world, that's an enormous feat. I may have to accept that I won't get to see all the corners of the globe. And be happy and thankful that I get to see anything.

Europe, I can't wait to see you. :)

I wonder about who I can trust.

And who I can't.

It sucks that the people who I do trust, completely, are out of the country. Thank God I have a couple of people here though that have my back sincerely.

I miss the times when I didn't have to think about this, when I didn't have to doubt friendships. I miss chillin at night with my girls, watching Sex and the City, having random conversations about everything. "Have you ever thought about how weird gravity is?" "That guy in the commercial is cute, I think it's his blue eyes. What is it about blue eyes?" These aren't verbatum, but that's what we'd talk about usually. Anything. And we'd give our honest two cents, no judging (although maybe there'd be some...."are you serious?" or "wtf did you just say?"). I guess I just really miss being myself, free, without feeling so guarded. I can say whatever I want, ask whatever questions were in my head. Be chill. Drama free. Life was so breezy back then.

Thankfully, I can still have these moments with Jasmine and Tracy, or I'd drive myself insane.

I can't wait until Charlotte, Steph, and Nadia come back. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah! One more month.

one for sweden. one for santa cruz. :)

To the liars, ciao!

I wonder about patterns.

Not artistic patterns, like ones that you repeat when you make a friendship bracelet.

I'm talking about life patterns - a sequence of events or a series of relationships - that are like a constant theme of your being. It's always repetitive. You find yourself in the same situations, same type of relationships, same environment/atmosphere, same group of friends, etc.

Sometimes, you don't realize it for a long time. Sometimes, you see it right after the second round. Or, in my case, you reach that "aha" moment 2 months before your 21st birthday while you're in class listening to a lecture on pop culture. It hits you, hard; suddenly, everything makes sense. You understand yourself in a way you didn't think you could. The past and present merge, and 20 years of being flash before your eyes.

But that's also the moment you realize you can change it. So I'm going to try.

Ciao!

I wonder about mazes.

And how it would be like to be in one.

I kinda like puzzles, and I always do those maze puzzles where you have to get from point A to point B. Though sometimes, I cheat and begin from point B. But hey...it's just strategy. Anyway, secretly, I think it would be fun to get lost in a maze. Maybe I just like the idea of finding your way out.

A corn maze. A beautiful brick maze. A green maze.

stolen from Flickr. so cool.

Ciao.

I wonder about the future.

Or specifically, my future.

I'm at the point in my life where the future is so close, I could almost touch it. By future, I mean life after college. These internships have caused me to think hard, real hard, about what I want to do. Am I seriously going to do accounting for the rest of my life? Is this it? Have I found my career? I just don't know. I haven't even gotten an internship yet. Constantly, I find myself re-evaluating my plans. I plan; I'm a planner. The thing about the future, though, is that things happen that aren't in your plans. You get pregnant. You don't get the job. You get caught up in other things. So, I guess...that freaks me out. It's kinda overwhelming.

I just wonder whether I really will end up working for one of the big 4 accounting firms. I want to know if this is a phase. In five years, where will I really end up? I can tell you what I want or what I envision for myself, but is that hardly ever the case? In 500 Days of Summer, there's a scene that juxtaposes Tom's expectations with his reality. I love that scene because it points out a truth about life. Our expectations are always different from reality. So I expect to be traveling, going city to city doing business, but my reality in the future could simply be me at a desk...still dreaming for that future.

But I have control. Right? I can shape my future. It's not up in the air. It's all up to me. I can do it. I can get my little dog, car, and apartment in the city. I can travel to the places I've dream of since I was little and live in a villa in Europe. Rome. Venice. Paris. Athens. Tokyo. London. Copenhagen. India. China. Angkor Wat.

But still.

And I wonder

if you know

what it means

to find your dreams.

bike to my little villa in the European countryside. warm bread. fresh air. kind people.

I really should be studying instead. Sigh.

Ciao!

I wonder about music.

Why do we like music? There's a psychological and physiological connection to sound, I'm guessing. Tap our legs. Nod our heads. Dance.

Is it the harmony? Are we just naturally inclined to be gravitated towards a song? Were we made to sing? Is it something in the beat that makes our mind excited? What is it? What's the science?

In every society, there's music. That's why I think it might be a natural phenomena, rather than a socially constructed structure in our lives. And what would life be like without music? Would life feel more empty? Would the world be more silent? Music. Song. Beat. Instruments. I'm trying to figure it out.

We may all be different. We may all come from various places with a whole lot of baggage. But, everyone loves music. Not everyone cares for television, not everyone cares for movies. Ask someone about music, and they'll tell you a favorite song, or at least, what they're listening to at the moment. I wish they had a sociology class for music.

Whatever the case may be, I'm thankful for it. For me, the best music is played loudly in the car at night. I can feel the wall of sounds surround me, at all corners, with the beat constantly attacking my brain. It's insane, feels so good. It's like the song is taking over me, inside and outside. In all honesty, that's one of the reasons why I want a car...so I can drive around with my music hella loud. Chillin. Relaxin. Thinking things out. Sometimes, it's all I ever need.

Ciao.